TW: Mentions of sexual harrassment

I've always struggled with the 3-way intersection of being trans, fat, and punk. I feel like those "pick two" triangles. Either I am fat and punk but never gendered correctly, or fat and trans but unable to express myself how I want visually. I am never able to not be fat.

A few days ago, I was sexually harassed at a hardcore show where, after making sure a man who was next to me was okay after getting shoved around, he felt up both me and the friend I was there with. Afterwards, when recounting what happened, someone made a joke about this man being bisexual, which was funny to me and a way to make light of an unpleasant experience, but also really highlighted to me how much I don't "pass".

The unfortunate reality of this is I can't really pass no matter what I do. I'm not a man but I'm definitely not a woman. I use masculine pronouns, and tend to present somewhat masculinely, but I prefer to play with ambiguity. Unfortunately, I rarely get to feel the pride of confusing a stranger with my gender, because as a fat person my shape is always assumed to be that of a woman.

There is plenty of documentation that in order to earn even a smidge of respect, fat people have to present either hypermasculine or hyperfeminine, and that smidge does next to nothing when faced with systemic discrimination. Even if I recieve gender affirming surgeries, I know I will still be misgendered based on my presentation and lack of conformity to masculinity or femininity.

In many alternative fashions, gendered clothing can get pretty ambiguous, and normally I think this would be something I could incorporate myself but unfortunately the number of fat people I see in punk, goth, metal, and hardcore spaces follow gender lines fairly strictly, if there are many women at all. People can present however they want, but I have constantly felt as if the music spaces I love are either not very queer, or if they are, they're very cis.

I don't have an answer for this. I don't have a solution to the feelings of alienation and loneliness and like I take up too much space when out in public. I have to calculate the risk of if I can stage dive or crowdsurf or if I'll get dropped. I have to endure being treated as a woman by every man around me but feeling out of place with the women at most events. I only know I can do my best to push it down and have fun regardless.

(Quick disclaimer of I've only seriously been in the music scene for about 3 years now, and am not anywhere near experienced as I'd like to be)

Last week, there was a post in r/punk that got me thinking about the music scene and how it compares to what I've heard about shows from the 90s and early 2000s. Living in Southern California, there is a lot here but for a guy who really values local shows, both for financial and community purposes, I haven't been able to find a sizable punk scene. However, what I have been able to find is screamo.

There has been a large uptick in skramz/screamo bands specifically in the Inland Empire. There's definitely a large overlap between the skramz and punk communities, and they often share the same venues. However, when it comes to regulars and familiar faces show to show, I rarely see the same punk twice, whereas there are plenty of regulars at the goth and industrial clubs in Los Angeles.

Of course, a big difference is that goths have a club scene along with live shows, whereas punk, hardcore, and skramz are almost entirely show-based when it comes to events. Additionally, with the rise of Live Nation and the Goldenvoice/AEG as the two major venue owners, and the closing of small independent venues and houses/garages/basements, smaller bands are getting pushed further into secretive pockets. With the rise of social media, I have seen more "iykyk" and "dm for address" shows being advertised, and while I know it is for safety (both physical and legal), it puts a barrier up for those not already "in" the local scene.

Having done some digging with a friend, we've found we don't really have "local" bands the way we'd like. A lot of what we can find are 2 or 3 cities over, local to the Inland Empire, but not really that close. With California traffic, it would still be a 40+ minute drive. There's a lack of active independent venues near us (2 have closed down just this year and the others we know are only semi active).

Ultimately, you have to be the change you want to see in the scene, but it's tricky to know where to start. Start your own band? Host house shows for other bands? It's hard to do with jobs and no real place of your own or apartments with noise complaints. I'm almost gonna try and set up in a field across from the house.

I am unhappy to report the accessibility situation in Vegas was not as fortunate as last time. While the last festival I went to had plenty of seating, I don't think the organizers were prepared for a demographic that may have a higher disability rate, especially due to age. Additionally, they were not adhering to their own stated rules of asking companions to stand if more disabled people needed seats.

In other news, I was able to get in some circle pits and had a great time, even when I feel. I've got some nasty bruises where I hit the ground, and some where I was grabbed and hoisted back up, but overall I'm feeling really good about it for my first time in a pit. I was able to see 13 bands, plus two more at a sideshow the next day. The bad part was what should have been a relatively easy drive got almost doubled by two accidents on the way there, so I missed an album signing I had RVSP-ed for.

I had a thought about writing a blog post on accessibility on neocities a couple days ago, and have since forgotten it, so let's talk about it in general instead! At the potential risk of doxxing myself, for context: I live in the U.S. in a densely populated area of California. I am physically disabled; I probably need arm crutches, but at this point in life use a cane. I am going to Las Vegas next weekend. I was in Vegas two years ago in October. Despite my general dislike for Vegas crowds and atmosphere, they were so much nicer to me than anything I've experienced here at home.

I know in general, more populated areas tend to have a "it's not my business" attitude towards most things. See something weird in public? Who gives a shit. Unfortunately that also extends to provide some minor support to those who need it. People on public transport rarely offer a seat to me. However, as crowded as Las Vegas can be, almost everywhere I was asked if I needed anything extra, and to let anyone know if I needed help with getting around. I'm not sure if it was just the places I went, but I suppose I will see this upcoming weekend.

I don't have any huge conclusion to draw from this, just that it's interesting and unexpected to me. Often I assume I will have to advocate for myself every time, as many places have poor resources or what resources there are are not clearly marked or identified. I have been to multiple concerts where the people managing the line had no idea what to do when I told them I had purchased a ticket for accessible seating and could not wait in the general admission line. This is standard. That's fucked! It's not their fault individually of course, but the fact no one is trained or told how to put up a sign or where to direct those with accessible seating is wild.

Now, Vegas is only a long drive away, but I've also been on multiple flights with my cane and they just love to take it away from me during security checks. I'm lucky enough that I can walk some without it, but could you imagine if I couldn't? Every metal detector hates me, and there are little to no alternatives, at least not that I've seen.